A Sustaining Moral Nourishment by Susan Caldwell

It was in my first and only year of college where I encountered a very real life saving and sustaining source of moral nourishment.

He was my freshman English teacher. He was teaching at a small private Christian college. He was divorced, which I think must have made him a bit unpopular with the other teachers. He was a magnet for me. He was unpolished, unconventional and in every way appeared out of place in this environment; he was my favorite teacher. He smoked, a smell that always preceded him into the classroom. His hair was long his clothes wrinkle and he always looked disheveled. I don’t remember turning in a single assignment all year, or ever being given one. It was my favorite class.

But this is what I remember most about him. After I failed at a suicide attempt, he just showed up. He sort of took an interest in me. I don’t remember thinking it was odd at the time. But over the years I can look back and see how intentional it was. He sought me out. He took the time to be with me. He was never inappropriate, always kind and in a way, fatherly. But, he never tried to fix me. He didn’t judge me, or lecture me. He just showed up and spent time with me. I was self-centered, self-absorbed ungrateful and never even thought about why he was doing what he was doing. I never asked him about himself. I never thanked him for helping me. I didn’t even recognize I needed help. He even helped me get a job then drove me back and forth to it for the remainder of that school year. Throughout the summer that followed he still called and once he took me to get a burger. I never saw him again after that.

He took his own life a few years later.

The greatest value I foraged in my life came from a person who didn’t fit in; who didn’t seem to have any of the right answers to life. He certainly didn’t look like he had it all together. His own life broken and his heart deeply wounded. Some wounds made by his own hand, some from the actions of others. He gave me the one gift I needed most in life. He gave me a sense of worth and self-value; and it came by his spending time with me, by listening to me. I was young, immature, unsophisticated and naïve I had little to say that was of importance, and still he just listened. He was the one person who was there when it mattered and he brought with him what I needed most. Hope.

He taught me through his actions people matter. They have value; their lives count for something. I thought because of some actions I had done in my life, I had no more worth. Believing I was damaged, ...what good could I ever possibly be to anyone? And this dear man, who probably looked as forlorn as I felt, told me through his actions that I mattered and that my life could be of use. I have tried to emulate his behavior as often as possible throughout these past 30 years by carrying with me this one defining value; All people long to be loved and believe in. Helping those around me to feel they belong; have purpose and meaning and that their life matters continues to provide daily moral nurishment to my soul.