I am pride-filled
I am ugly
I am a liar
I am unable to save myself
I am forgetful
I am selfish
I am ungrateful
I am ashamed
I am all mankind
I am numb inside
Longing to feel
Which will happen first?
Awareness, action, movement, change or
Unexpected actions, forced movement, bringing change
Now aware and wide awake…if I choose
I am alone inside
Yearning to be known
Which will happen first?
Approached, invited, perhaps either or by
Advancing, risking a request, a quickened pulse
Sensing warmth and company…if I choose
I am sad inside
Desiring joy
Which will happen first?
Needs met, dreams fulfilled, infinite happiness or to
Help, give hope, serving where needs are found
Bringing pleasure in purpose…if I choose
I am broken inside
Wishing to be made whole
Which will happen first?
Mending, making new, healing in and through or is
Redemption found in exposing wounds
Being repaired by revealing…if I choose
I am afraid inside
Trembling in self loathing
Which will happen first?
Strength, courage, confident belief in self or in
Confession, dependence, hoping in a Saving Grace
Forever free of fear…if I choose
If I choose…
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The Game of Secret Keeping by Susan Caldwell
When I was a child I remember playing Hide and Go Seek with my Dad. I would run and hide somewhere in the house and then he would come looking for me. I don’t remember if it was the growling bear sounds he made or if it was just my heart pounding so hard in excited anticipation of being found; but I do remember there was anxiousness about the waiting. I was not a very good hider, I am sure of that. I can see myself scrunched up behind a bedroom door…or balled up on a closet floor, just waiting for the moment in which I would be discovered. There would be a breathless frightening silence right before my hiding place was uncovered and then a small yelp or high-pitched scream, depending on my readiness. The very reason why I would subject myself to the pains of worry and nervous anticipation of the wait was to experience the joy felt when being found. Within that joy I was being reminded that I was worth being sought after.
I think there is a direct correlation between this childhood game and secret keeping. All children seem to have an innate sense of hiding any wrong they have done. But I also believe there is an equally powerful instinct that accompanies it; you know that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach that awakens all of your senses reminding you; you are hiding and just waiting to be found. When I was young I am sure my ability to keep secrets was a lot like my Hide and Go Seek skills... not very good. Whether the guilty look on my face was as obvious as my hiding in plain view or the desire to be found was greater than my fear of being uncovered, I was never able to keep any secret hidden for very long.
In junior high school the game was altered when you were given a partner to hide with…someone else had a secret and you were to help keep it hidden. This always seemed like a test to me, just to see who could stay quiet the longest thereby win the title of best friend. Yet ironically, the only time keeping quiet mattered was when it was your secret, so the very act of inviting someone into your hidding place assured your discovery. No one was ever able to stay still for very long, not many junior high kids are, so the fact was most secrets were uncovered. I also think there was still something at the core of us that longed to release the anxiety we felt whenever hiding. Although there were kids who could stay hidden forever…some may still be there, alone holding their childhood secrets gripped in fear, never having experienced the joy or celebration of being found.
In adulthood the game changed once again. This version of Hide and Go Seek, called Sardines carries with it the junior high idea of team playing with an added twist. There is plenty of hiding and seeking but no celebration in the discovery only more hiding. As the group goes out individually to find the one literally hiding in the dark, the goal is to remain with the hider and wait for all the others to join in the hiding. The game ends when last person looking joins them.
I believe secret keeping in adulthood looks more like the game of Sardines than Hide and Go Seek. Somewhere along the way we lost the joy that comes from being found and replaced it with a relief that we didn’t get caught. Perhaps we were robbed of the joy by not being looked for when we were younger or when we were found, we were seen as the loser. It is understandable then that we would want to change the game into something that would make us feel like winners and would help ease the anxiety that we were feeling while we hid. But sadly this style of secret-keeping destroys any possibility of building trust or finding joy.
I have spent most of my adult life living in relationship with a closely-knit community of friends. Over the years we have had many opportunities to demonstrate our deep commitment to each other. I must admit, though, there has been a fear of telling our secrets here as well. We are bound by the anxiety of hiding yet now the game is to appear like we are not hiding. After nearly 30 years in relationship with these friends, there have been: unwed pregnancies, divorce, prodigal sons and daughters, infidelity, financial struggles, lies and deceit. Whatever secret each one of us has tried desperately to keep hidden has, in the end, been found out. Giving us the opportunity to learn from each other that by uncovering our own secrets and being discovered in our hiding places we will have our deepest fear vanished and our greatest need validated: The fear of being left alone in pain and the desire to be loved and cared for, no matter what.
I hope my children will play the game of secret-keeping like I played Hide and Go Seek. I want them to be lousy at hiding so that they might be quickly found. Thereby lessening their anxiety during the wait and hurrying the joy that comes when they are found. I hope I instilled in them the expectation of being found; teaching them that someone who loves them is always looking for them. And that a true friend will never leave them alone hiding in the dark.
I think there is a direct correlation between this childhood game and secret keeping. All children seem to have an innate sense of hiding any wrong they have done. But I also believe there is an equally powerful instinct that accompanies it; you know that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach that awakens all of your senses reminding you; you are hiding and just waiting to be found. When I was young I am sure my ability to keep secrets was a lot like my Hide and Go Seek skills... not very good. Whether the guilty look on my face was as obvious as my hiding in plain view or the desire to be found was greater than my fear of being uncovered, I was never able to keep any secret hidden for very long.
In junior high school the game was altered when you were given a partner to hide with…someone else had a secret and you were to help keep it hidden. This always seemed like a test to me, just to see who could stay quiet the longest thereby win the title of best friend. Yet ironically, the only time keeping quiet mattered was when it was your secret, so the very act of inviting someone into your hidding place assured your discovery. No one was ever able to stay still for very long, not many junior high kids are, so the fact was most secrets were uncovered. I also think there was still something at the core of us that longed to release the anxiety we felt whenever hiding. Although there were kids who could stay hidden forever…some may still be there, alone holding their childhood secrets gripped in fear, never having experienced the joy or celebration of being found.
In adulthood the game changed once again. This version of Hide and Go Seek, called Sardines carries with it the junior high idea of team playing with an added twist. There is plenty of hiding and seeking but no celebration in the discovery only more hiding. As the group goes out individually to find the one literally hiding in the dark, the goal is to remain with the hider and wait for all the others to join in the hiding. The game ends when last person looking joins them.
I believe secret keeping in adulthood looks more like the game of Sardines than Hide and Go Seek. Somewhere along the way we lost the joy that comes from being found and replaced it with a relief that we didn’t get caught. Perhaps we were robbed of the joy by not being looked for when we were younger or when we were found, we were seen as the loser. It is understandable then that we would want to change the game into something that would make us feel like winners and would help ease the anxiety that we were feeling while we hid. But sadly this style of secret-keeping destroys any possibility of building trust or finding joy.
I have spent most of my adult life living in relationship with a closely-knit community of friends. Over the years we have had many opportunities to demonstrate our deep commitment to each other. I must admit, though, there has been a fear of telling our secrets here as well. We are bound by the anxiety of hiding yet now the game is to appear like we are not hiding. After nearly 30 years in relationship with these friends, there have been: unwed pregnancies, divorce, prodigal sons and daughters, infidelity, financial struggles, lies and deceit. Whatever secret each one of us has tried desperately to keep hidden has, in the end, been found out. Giving us the opportunity to learn from each other that by uncovering our own secrets and being discovered in our hiding places we will have our deepest fear vanished and our greatest need validated: The fear of being left alone in pain and the desire to be loved and cared for, no matter what.
I hope my children will play the game of secret-keeping like I played Hide and Go Seek. I want them to be lousy at hiding so that they might be quickly found. Thereby lessening their anxiety during the wait and hurrying the joy that comes when they are found. I hope I instilled in them the expectation of being found; teaching them that someone who loves them is always looking for them. And that a true friend will never leave them alone hiding in the dark.
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