Most of us know that love is an action not just a word and to love and care for someone is exhausting. When I remember this I become acutely aware of my limitations and abilities to love all those who are in my life. It is much easy to say I love someone, than to prove my love. I must admit I have chosen the easy way more times than not. Knowing myself and how selfish I am…I realize how different my life would look if I truly loved all those I said, “I love you” to. This has led me to rethink the words “I love you.” Maybe what we should really say is, “I ‘not me’ you.” (Meaning, I will choose to serve you not me first, your needs and not mine, your best interests and not mine…etc.)
I remember thinking that motherhood was the opportunity to choose to die to myself every day. This I do believe is true...the real challenge is now before me, when there are not three little ones demanding my time...I will face the reality of my true character...when I do not have to choose to serve someone else's needs first. If the choices I made to serve my children reflected my values and desires thereby defining me during the child rearing years...how will the choices I am now making affect what I become in the future.
Eric Erickson's study on the stages of development say "we determine our virtues or our malignancies by the either/or choices we make throughout our lives." He said there are 3 stages of life where a person is completely self-absorbed; Infancy, adolescence and old age. I can give total grace to the infant and even the adolescent, because in my mind they are still in development...learning how to make the choices that will bring them the virtues earned by making the "right" choice. But the adult...the one who has lived long enough to pass through these two stages, who knows what is right to do, but does not do it...that is the one I struggle with. Erickson says in old age we have but two heart/mind sets to live out of; wisdom and gratefulness which leads to selflessness, or presumption, despair and ultimately bitterness leading only to self-absorption.
I am now the adult (okay, maybe I have been for a while, but I am now admitting to it)...and the enormous task of choosing what is right is so much harder when it is not demanded. It is far easier to tell myself what I want to hear...to feed my ego...to wait for others to come to me, to serve me, to give me what I deserve...I now see that just desiring to grow old with wisdom and gratefulness is not enough...just as saying I love you is not enough. No, I must act on my words...and it is as humbling to admit as it is hard to do.
Three goals I am reaching for:
Learning to live by indifference (one of St. Igneous Loyola's exercises)
Learning to love 9and live) by action not (just) words
Learning to examine myself daily in relation to the choices I am making and my desired outcomes.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I 'not me' you... by Susan Caldwell
Most of us know that love is an action not just a word and to love and care for someone is exhausting. When I remember this I become acutely aware of my limitations and abilities to love all those who are in my life. It is much easy to say I love someone, than to prove my love. I must admit I have chosen the easy way more times than not. Knowing myself and how selfish I am…I realize how different my life would look if I truly loved all those I said, “I love you” to. This has led me to rethink the words “I love you.” Maybe what we should really say is, “I ‘not me’ you.” (Meaning, I will choose to serve you not me first, your needs and not mine, your best interests and not mine…etc.)
I remember thinking that motherhood was the opportunity to choose to die to myself every day. This I do believe is true...the real challenge is now before me, when there are not three little ones demanding my time...I will face the reality of my true character...when I do not have to choose to serve someone else's needs first. If the choices I made to serve my children reflected my values and desires thereby defining me during the child rearing years...how will the choices I am now making affect what I become in the future.
Eric Erickson's study on the stages of development say "we determine our virtues or our malignancies by the either/or choices we make throughout our lives." He said there are 3 stages of life where a person is completely self-absorbed; Infancy, adolescence and old age. I can give total grace to the infant and even the adolescent, because in my mind they are still in development...learning how to make the choices that will bring them the virtues earned by making the "right" choice. But the adult...the one who has lived long enough to pass through these two stages, who knows what is right to do, but does not do it...that is the one I struggle with. Erickson says in old age we have but two heart/mind sets to live out of; wisdom and gratefulness which leads to selflessness, or presumption, despair and ultimately bitterness leading only to self-absorption.
I am now the adult (okay, maybe I have been for a while, but I am now admitting to it)...and the enormous task of choosing what is right is so much harder when it is not demanded. It is far easier to tell myself what I want to hear...to feed my ego...to wait for others to come to me, to serve me, to give me what I deserve...I now see that just desiring to grow old with wisdom and gratefulness is not enough...just as saying I love you is not enough. No, I must act on my words...and it is as humbling to admit as it is hard to do.
Three goals I am reaching for:
Learning to live by indifference (one of St. Igneous Loyola's exercises)
Learning to love (and live) by action not (just) words.
Learning to examine myself daily in relation to the choices I am making and my desired outcomes.
I remember thinking that motherhood was the opportunity to choose to die to myself every day. This I do believe is true...the real challenge is now before me, when there are not three little ones demanding my time...I will face the reality of my true character...when I do not have to choose to serve someone else's needs first. If the choices I made to serve my children reflected my values and desires thereby defining me during the child rearing years...how will the choices I am now making affect what I become in the future.
Eric Erickson's study on the stages of development say "we determine our virtues or our malignancies by the either/or choices we make throughout our lives." He said there are 3 stages of life where a person is completely self-absorbed; Infancy, adolescence and old age. I can give total grace to the infant and even the adolescent, because in my mind they are still in development...learning how to make the choices that will bring them the virtues earned by making the "right" choice. But the adult...the one who has lived long enough to pass through these two stages, who knows what is right to do, but does not do it...that is the one I struggle with. Erickson says in old age we have but two heart/mind sets to live out of; wisdom and gratefulness which leads to selflessness, or presumption, despair and ultimately bitterness leading only to self-absorption.
I am now the adult (okay, maybe I have been for a while, but I am now admitting to it)...and the enormous task of choosing what is right is so much harder when it is not demanded. It is far easier to tell myself what I want to hear...to feed my ego...to wait for others to come to me, to serve me, to give me what I deserve...I now see that just desiring to grow old with wisdom and gratefulness is not enough...just as saying I love you is not enough. No, I must act on my words...and it is as humbling to admit as it is hard to do.
Three goals I am reaching for:
Learning to live by indifference (one of St. Igneous Loyola's exercises)
Learning to love (and live) by action not (just) words.
Learning to examine myself daily in relation to the choices I am making and my desired outcomes.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
A Promising Paradox? by Susan Caldwell
What is wrong with the world today?
I humbly submit as my answer the same one G. K. Chesterton gave “The Times”, almost a century ago, when they invited him to write an essay on the topic.
“Dear Sirs,
What is wrong with the world today?
I am.”
Sincerely,
G. K. Chesterton
With that said, I feel compelled to share some thoughts about the world around me that these following quotes from Chesterton’s life awoke in me.
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." - Everlasting Man, 1925
I do not want to be a dead thing…a dead thing in the world around me or in the Church. And yet sadly I fear that choosing to be alive today means I will be fighting an “upstream” battle the whole time…and for the most part this battle may be against mainstream Christianity in America.
"The whole truth is generally the ally of virtue; a half-truth is always the ally of some vice." - ILN, 6/11/10
I have yet to meet a person who can or will tell the whole truth, not just to others but to himself most of all. We must not really believe “the truth will set us free” or else we would be the first to tell on ourselves…and even more determine to help those we say we love tell on themselves. Leaving us shackled to the half-truth, “only tell what you want known” proving what we really believe is true… better safe than...free.
"Idolatry is committed, not merely by setting up false gods, but also by setting up false devils; by making men afraid of war or alcohol, or economic law, when they should be afraid of spiritual corruption and cowardice." - ILN 9/11/09
The church in America today commits idolatry by setting up the false god of the perfect Christian parent or the perfect Christian spouse. And this is reflected most clearly in our false devils; by making children fear; sex or underage drinking or the worst offense, the exposure of any behavior that would make us look like bad parents, when we should be afraid of our own spiritual corruption and cowardice.
"I would rather a boy learnt in the roughest school the courage to hit a politician, or gained in the hardest school the learning to refute him - rather than that he should gain in the most enlightened school the cunning to copy him." (ILN 8-31-12)
How will our children determine what is holy, good, right, whole truth and honorable when we are working so hard to teach them to copy? I want my children to have courage not to fear. I want them to have the ability to think for themselves and to walk in whole truth. I want them to have freedom to refute those who use fear to manipulate. I want them to live in and with a community that is willing to stop being controlled by the need to conform. I want my children to hold mirrors up to themselves…looking into their own hearts…driving them to confession instead of the cunning to copy an image.
I find what Chesterton articulated so brilliantly, the paradox of living as a sinful man while aspiring to reflect and follow the teachings of Jesus, continues to be my struggle as well. And while I find comfort and inspiration in his words it is the actions of a woman who said these words “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts there can be no more hurt only more love,” (Mother Teresa) that rekindles my desire to keep living in this promising paradox and even if I am never able to change anything in me or around me I able to keep choosing to try.
I humbly submit as my answer the same one G. K. Chesterton gave “The Times”, almost a century ago, when they invited him to write an essay on the topic.
“Dear Sirs,
What is wrong with the world today?
I am.”
Sincerely,
G. K. Chesterton
With that said, I feel compelled to share some thoughts about the world around me that these following quotes from Chesterton’s life awoke in me.
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." - Everlasting Man, 1925
I do not want to be a dead thing…a dead thing in the world around me or in the Church. And yet sadly I fear that choosing to be alive today means I will be fighting an “upstream” battle the whole time…and for the most part this battle may be against mainstream Christianity in America.
"The whole truth is generally the ally of virtue; a half-truth is always the ally of some vice." - ILN, 6/11/10
I have yet to meet a person who can or will tell the whole truth, not just to others but to himself most of all. We must not really believe “the truth will set us free” or else we would be the first to tell on ourselves…and even more determine to help those we say we love tell on themselves. Leaving us shackled to the half-truth, “only tell what you want known” proving what we really believe is true… better safe than...free.
"Idolatry is committed, not merely by setting up false gods, but also by setting up false devils; by making men afraid of war or alcohol, or economic law, when they should be afraid of spiritual corruption and cowardice." - ILN 9/11/09
The church in America today commits idolatry by setting up the false god of the perfect Christian parent or the perfect Christian spouse. And this is reflected most clearly in our false devils; by making children fear; sex or underage drinking or the worst offense, the exposure of any behavior that would make us look like bad parents, when we should be afraid of our own spiritual corruption and cowardice.
"I would rather a boy learnt in the roughest school the courage to hit a politician, or gained in the hardest school the learning to refute him - rather than that he should gain in the most enlightened school the cunning to copy him." (ILN 8-31-12)
How will our children determine what is holy, good, right, whole truth and honorable when we are working so hard to teach them to copy? I want my children to have courage not to fear. I want them to have the ability to think for themselves and to walk in whole truth. I want them to have freedom to refute those who use fear to manipulate. I want them to live in and with a community that is willing to stop being controlled by the need to conform. I want my children to hold mirrors up to themselves…looking into their own hearts…driving them to confession instead of the cunning to copy an image.
I find what Chesterton articulated so brilliantly, the paradox of living as a sinful man while aspiring to reflect and follow the teachings of Jesus, continues to be my struggle as well. And while I find comfort and inspiration in his words it is the actions of a woman who said these words “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts there can be no more hurt only more love,” (Mother Teresa) that rekindles my desire to keep living in this promising paradox and even if I am never able to change anything in me or around me I able to keep choosing to try.
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