Most of us know that love is an action not just a word and to love and care for someone is exhausting. When I remember this I become acutely aware of my limitations and abilities to love all those who are in my life. It is much easy to say I love someone, than to prove my love. I must admit I have chosen the easy way more times than not. Knowing myself and how selfish I am…I realize how different my life would look if I truly loved all those I said, “I love you” to. This has led me to rethink the words “I love you.” Maybe what we should really say is, “I ‘not me’ you.” (Meaning, I will choose to serve you not me first, your needs and not mine, your best interests and not mine…etc.)
I remember thinking that motherhood was the opportunity to choose to die to myself every day. This I do believe is true...the real challenge is now before me, when there are not three little ones demanding my time...I will face the reality of my true character...when I do not have to choose to serve someone else's needs first. If the choices I made to serve my children reflected my values and desires thereby defining me during the child rearing years...how will the choices I am now making affect what I become in the future.
Eric Erickson's study on the stages of development say "we determine our virtues or our malignancies by the either/or choices we make throughout our lives." He said there are 3 stages of life where a person is completely self-absorbed; Infancy, adolescence and old age. I can give total grace to the infant and even the adolescent, because in my mind they are still in development...learning how to make the choices that will bring them the virtues earned by making the "right" choice. But the adult...the one who has lived long enough to pass through these two stages, who knows what is right to do, but does not do it...that is the one I struggle with. Erickson says in old age we have but two heart/mind sets to live out of; wisdom and gratefulness which leads to selflessness, or presumption, despair and ultimately bitterness leading only to self-absorption.
I am now the adult (okay, maybe I have been for a while, but I am now admitting to it)...and the enormous task of choosing what is right is so much harder when it is not demanded. It is far easier to tell myself what I want to hear...to feed my ego...to wait for others to come to me, to serve me, to give me what I deserve...I now see that just desiring to grow old with wisdom and gratefulness is not enough...just as saying I love you is not enough. No, I must act on my words...and it is as humbling to admit as it is hard to do.
Three goals I am reaching for:
Learning to live by indifference (one of St. Igneous Loyola's exercises)
Learning to love (and live) by action not (just) words.
Learning to examine myself daily in relation to the choices I am making and my desired outcomes.
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