Recently I was trying to help my youngest daughter learn about the benefits of being honest within her relationships. She is so dear to lean in and listen while I was laying out the philosophical explanation for why being honest will keep her safe, which is my desire for her; with her desire being never wanting to disappoint or hurt anyone. Even as I was speaking these words to her, and now as I write them, I am aware that hers is a lofty goal and mine perhaps a misguided ambition to aim for and both are most certainly impossible to perfect, especially in regard to our relationships with others. Not to mention that fact that I have been unable to attain this in my own life even though honesty has long since been a mantra of mine.
Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean I always tell the truth, I wish I could but I am a coward. What it really means, and I am being honest here, is I would rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. That is cowardice right? Somewhere along the journey I replaced honesty for obedience. Okay, what I really mean honestly is I placed being honest above being loving. Often boasting in my ability to be honest about my rebellious heart leaves me with a false sense of righteousness…ouch.
I also see how I have used honesty many times as a way of shirking responsibility. Sure, I am quick to admit my failures. For me that is easy. What takes effort, more effort than I am usually willing to make, is to be obedient to love. “For the one who knows the right thing to do, and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17
So, why do I want my daughter to live honestly in all her relationships? Because I am afraid and I enslave myself to this false hope: Honesty will save me. I am afraid that love will not be enough to keep her safe or me for that matter. I am afraid that love will not keep disappointment and hurt at bay. Maybe what I am learning, while foolishily thinking I am helping my daughter, is I have forgotten what is most true about love; the promise of Perfect love is not to cast out pain, disappointment or misunderstanding but to cast out all fear. What I am learning from her is, how to live loving those whom I am in relationship with; which may encompass honesty, but does not make honesty the goal. To live in love maybe a lofty aim, but it is now my renewed hope.
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